Double O Opus: For Your Nose Only
by Cartoonofan
Summary: After receiving a message from Catbert that he's holding two of their old friends prisoner, Opus & Milo have to race to rescue them from the fiendish feline. Not recommended for addicts due to being pure crack. Makes great MSTing material.


Disclaimer: I don't own either comic strip. This story was written in the interest of fun, not profit.

Also, any political opinions are not those of the author, and were included because they are essential to _Bloom County._

* * *

It was a normal day in the small town of Bloom County, and, at the local boarding house, the frequently cheerful Opus the penguin was checking the mail.

"Bill, bill, bill, Modern Science magazine; I'm guessing that's for Oliver," he commented "more bills, ooh a DVD!" he said happily "I guess my Redbox of _The Sound of Music_ finally arrived."

Opus eventually put away all the mail and then placed the DVD into the player shared by the household.

"Several straight hours of Julie Andrews as a nun, life doesn't get much better than that," he commented.

The DVD began, but instead of the musical he was expecting, a small, bespectacled red cat filled the screen.

"Greetings Mr. Opus," he said "by now I assume you have received my DVD and are watching it, no doubt expecting it was _The Sound of Music._ Well, sorry to disappoint you, but there will be no musicals today."

"What is this? Is this one of those interactive DVD's?"

"If you're asking if this is one of those interactive DVD's, the answer is no," the cat replied "now then, allow me to get down to business. I am Catbert, evil director of human resources for a large corporation."

"Please don't be Donald Trump, please don't be Donald Trump…"

"And no, I'm not affiliated with Donald Trump, if you were wondering."

"Phew!"

"Anyway, besides my normal days of tormenting office drones, I like to travel to other strips and cause trouble for them," Catbert said "which is where you come in. You see Mr. Opus, your optimism and kindness have no place in today's modern world; for that, you must be dealt with."

"I'm not sure I like where this is going," Opus commented.

"But I'm not the only star of this little film," Catbert continued "no, allow me to introduce my co-stars. I believe you may be familiar with them."

The camera panned over and Opus gasped at what he saw.

It was Bobbi Harlow, the town's old feminist school teacher, and Opus' former fiancée Lola Granola. Both women were securely lashed to chairs, their wrists, ankles and waists tightly wrapped in cords. The two attempted to plead, albeit unsuccessfully, around the tight cloths tied over their mouths, resulting in a series of muffled protests.

"As you can see, your two friends are unharmed," Catbert explained "of course, how long they remain that way depends on you. I'll give you a half hour to come down to the old shack on the far end of town. And I would hurry if I was you; if you fail to show up, I'm afraid these two lovely ladies will meet with an unfortunate, 'accident'," he added.

"Clock is ticking Opus," he said, before the feed cut out. Suddenly, it came back on "oh, I and didn't say come alone, but I figured that was implied," he added.

"Of course."

The feed cut out again, and Opus leapt to his feet and paced nervously.

"I bet Ziggy never has days like this," he said, to no one in particular.

* * *

Opus soon tracked down his friend, Milo Bloom and explained to him the situation.

"This certainly does provide a bit of a challenge," Milo said.

"Right," Opus replied "what should we do?"

"We could leave a flaming bag of dog poo on Steve Bannon's doorstep," Milo suggested.

"How would that help save the girls?"

"It wouldn't, but it would make me feel better," Milo told him "I guess the only choice we have is to try and rescue them ourselves."

"How? We're dealing with a genius here Milo," Opus said "cats are known for being very smart, even if they do lick themselves."

"One thing we possess is the element of surprise; he doesn't expect you to bring help, so that's exactly what you'll do."

"Sort of like NATO," Opus suggested.

"Good analogy, my flightless friend," Milo replied "now come, I think I know where we can get some help for our upcoming mission."

So, the two made their way to the room of teen genius Oliver Wendell Jones. After explaining what happened, Oliver agreed to supply them with some specialized gadgets to help him in the mission.

"Ooh, I'll be just like James Bond," Opus said happily "but which version will I be? The tough, no-nonsense Sean Connery? Or perhaps I'll be more humorous, like Roger Moore. And of course, there's always Pierce Brosnan, who I thought was underrated on _Remington Steele…"_

"Could we save the Bond comparisons for another day, please?" Milo asked.

"Sorry."

"Now then, in the five minutes since you talked with me, I've managed to create several specialized gadgets I think you'll really like."

"You built these things in five minutes? Wow, you are good," Opus said.

"Okay, some of them were things I had hanging around that I didn't plan to use; flawed prototypes and such," Oliver admitted "but I'm pretty positive they won't explode."

"I'll take those odds," Opus said confidently.

"First off, we have this," Oliver said, handing Opus a bowtie "it looks like a typical bowtie, but press the center, and it emits a smokescreen."

"Wow, that would be great to have if you were an executive trying to dodge potentially incriminating questions about your business," Opus commented.

"Let's hope major corporations don't get their hands on one," Milo added, "or worse…Congress!"

"Gah! Now you've got me worried about it!" Opus said.

"Relax, I'd never sell this to Congress, no matter how much they paid," Oliver told him "now then, take these goggles, they'll allow you to see through the smoke," he said, handing them each a pair.

"Ooh, I look like Stevie Wonder," Opus commented after he put on the goggles.

"Here's one I think you'll really like, Opus," Oliver said, presenting the big nosed penguin with a large fish.

"Thanks, I haven't had lunch yet," Opus said, taking it.

"It's not for eating," Oliver explained "you twist the tail fin and a grappling hook comes out of the mouth," he added, demonstrating so by twisting said fin.

"Ohhhh," a disappointed Opus whined.

"We can stop for something on the way," Milo told him.

"Herring pie?" Opus asked.

"Uh, yeah, I guess so," Milo replied.

"Here Milo, this watch is for you," Oliver said.

"Thanks; it's not a Rolex, is it?"

"Hardly, it's actually a powerful magnet," Oliver explained "try it."

Milo did so, aiming it at the grapping hook in the fish, and it attracted it and brought it to him.

"Good job Oliver, I think we're ready," Milo replied "now we just need a way to get there that isn't too noisy."

"Way ahead of you," Oliver said, gesturing to a sheet.

"A sheet? I already have one of those," Opus replied

"No, it's what's under the sheet," Oliver explained, and unveiled a motor scooter "I programmed it to respond to voice commands; simply order it to stop, go, speed up or whatever and it will. Simple, easy, and requires no gas, running on a highly sophisticated battery I developed."

"It's nice, but do you suppose it could be yellow? I've always been partial to yellow," Opus told him.

"Sure, why not," Oliver replied "I mean, it's only a high tech marvel of self-driving machinery; but sure, I can waste time painting it a new &$ # * color!"

* * *

"Thank you," Opus replied.

After spending several minutes repainting the scooter to Opus's liking, and the penguin stopping to get a scarf to wear, the friends prepared to take off.

"Hey Bill, we're off to rescue two old friends from a fiendish corporate cat who causes trouble for kicks, you wanna come?" Opus asked.

"ACK," replied Bill.

"Let's take him anyway, maybe he can help us reason with him, cat to cat," Milo suggested.

So, with Bill lashed to the back of the scooter, the intrepid duo sent out on their rescue mission, prepared for the dangers ahead, or so they hoped.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at his secret hideout on the outskirts of Bloom County, Catbert was checking the time.

"The clock is ticking ladies," he said to his hostages "if Opus doesn't arrive soon, I shall unfortunately be forced to dispose of you both."

In response, Bobbi began making angry sounds under the gag tied between her teeth. "You have something you'd like to say Miss Harlow?" Catbert asked, then wandered over to where she sat, climbed up on her lap and pulled down the cloth.

"You creep, how dare you do this!" Bobbi yelled "women have come a long way over the years and have achieved a great deal in society. They are no longer helpless damsels who need to wait for a man to come and rescue them, and that you would even perpetuate that stereotype is a…mmmph!" was all she managed before Catbert replaced her gag.

"Now I remember why I don't let you talk," he said, and shifted his gaze to his other prisoner "I take it you have a less firey speech, Miss Granola," he said, freeing Lola's gag.

"I…I'm sure Opus will come to save us," was all she said.

"Short and to the point, I like it," Catbert replied, before replacing the gag "well I hope your faith in your penguin protector is not misplaced Miss Granola, because he only has five minutes left."

* * *

Fortunately, Opus was not far away, as his scooter was soon to be arriving.

"This thing works pretty well, huh Opus?" Milo asked.

"Huh? Oh sorry Milo, I didn't hear the question," Opus said, taking a sip from a cup with a straw "I've been too busy enjoying this great shake. Who knew McDonalds served herring burgers?"

"Yeah, well can you eat your food a little quieter, please?" Milo asked "we're almost there and I want us to be able to sneak inside."

"Right," Opus said, before taking a bite of his burger then taking a sip from his drink again. Soon they arrived outside the abandoned building and ordered the scooter to stop.

"What now?"

"Take your herring and use the grappling hook," Milo explained "then, we'll sneak in through the window and take Catbert by surprise."

"Are you going to do a report on this for the Bloom Picayune?" Opus wondered.

"We'll play it by ear," Milo replied "I still have a story to write about Mitch McConnell being in debt to the Chinese and secretly being responsible for global warming."

"Is that true?" Opus asked, skeptically.

"Of course, I got it from various Internet sources, and you know how reliable they are," Milo told him.

"Actually…" Opus began "you know what, forget it," he added, then fired the hook up towards the roof; after making sure it was secure, (and tying Bill to it), both began to scale the wall.

"Hey, this reminds me of the old _Batman_ show," Opus asked "remember, they used to climb the wall like this?"

"Holy irrelevant segue Batman," Milo replied.

"I wonder if a celebrity will come out of one of the windows and engage us in some witty banter?"

Opus got his wish as the window opened and out popped Bill Cosby.

"Hey there you big nosed, whatever you are, what are you doing climbing up the building?" he asked "if you're trying to wash the windows, you need to have a squeegee, ha ha."

"I think we all saw this coming, didn't we folks?" Opus asked.

"Hey, you want some delicious Jell-O pudding? It's great for putting roofies into, not that I know anything about that, ha ha!"

"Climb Milo!"

"Right behind you!" Milo said, and both climbed as quickly as possible to escape the legally troubled comedian.

Soon they made it to a different window, and peered inside, seeing the two girls sitting on a crate, still tightly secured.

"Lola still looks good, doesn't she?" Opus asked.

"Worry about that later," Milo told him "now, on my mark, we swing forward and break into the window. One…two… three!"

One swing later and both slammed into the window.

"Or we use Bill's tongue to cut the glass," Opus suggested.

"Agreed," Milo replied.

Doing so, both boys rappelled in and made their way to the floor. As they snuck over, Lola spied them and began making loud mumbles from beneath her gag. Bobbi looked to see what her fellow captive saw, and, seeing them, also did the same.

"Girls please, keep it down," Milo warned them "or you're going to give us away."

"Actually Mr. Bloom, I'm afraid they already have."

Milo looked and found himself staring down the barrel of a pistol, held in Catbert's tiny paw. "Tsk tsk Mr. Opus, you disappoint me," he said "I asked you to come alone, and yet your brought your bespectacled buddy and Garfield's bastard son."

"I see you've been keeping up with our strip," Opus commented.

"Well enough pleasantries," Catbert replied "since you were nice enough to show up here, I can have the pleasure of eliminating all of you."

"Why do you want to kill me and the girls? What possible motivation could you have for that?"

"I'm a cat, Mr. Opus, what other reason do I need?"

"I assumed this was some kind of crazy alt-Right # !* $," Milo replied.

"Okay, your Republican bashing is really beginning to annoy me," Catbert said, slowly pulling the hammer on his pistol "allow me to remedy the situation."

"Remedy this, you tax hike loving freak!" Milo said, and used the magnet of his watch to attract the gun, pulling it from Catbert's paw.

"Hmm, I was not expecting that,"

"Or this either, you mouse eating, licking yourself, using a scratching post…yarn…playing with…" Opus said, before trailing off.

"Just don't, you're not good at the spy one-liners," Milo told him.

"Fair enough," Opus replied, then touched the center of his tie, emitting a cloud of blinding smoke, causing Catbert to lose his vision and cough wildly.

Slipping on their goggles, Milo called for the scooter, which crashed through the wall of the building. Before the smoke could clear, the two boys rode over to the crate were the hostages were still struggling, loaded them on, and zoomed off.

Once it did, Catbert stopped coughing long enough to realize that his intended target and hostages were now gone. "Well, this is disappointing" he commented "oh well, off to hassle the kids in _Family Circus_."

After driving a few feet away from the warehouse, they decided to stop and release the captives.

"Nice to see you again Miss Harlow," Milo said, as he worked on her bonds "It's funny, I had a dream like this once. Only you were…"

"I wouldn't finish that sentence if I were you," Bobbi warned him.

"Oh Opus, you were so brave," Lola said, and, once her bonds were undone, hugged her penguin hero "I've always admired your bravery and kindness."

"Oh, 'twas nothing," Opus said modestly.

"Still, I think you deserve at least some reward for risking your life to save us," Lola told him and pursed her lips before moving closer to his cheek.

Opus closed his eyes and waited for the kiss.

"Opus…Opus…Opus…"

"Don't stop now Lola,"

"Wake up, herring breath,"

Opus opened his eyes and was surprised to find that he wasn't outside of town, but in his bed. The voice he heard didn't belong to Lola, but to Milo, who was standing by.

"Ah! You aren't Lola!"

"Thanks for reminding me," Milo replied.

* * *

Later, Opus related the details of his dream to his pal.

"So this evil cat had kidnapped Bobbi & Lola and we got some spy gadgets from Oliver to go rescue them," he explained "and Bill Cosby was there too, for some reason."

"Sounds like something from the mind of Brett Ratner on speed," Milo told him.

"Well, I've learned my lesson; no more herring head sundaes before bed," Opus said "they give you strange dreams."

"Not to mention fish breath," Milo noted, holding his nose.

"Well, I'm glad that was all a dream and not real, I don't think I'd react well in a real life or death situation like that," Opus told him.

"Yeah, and besides, characters from other strips rarely come visit here anyway."

Suddenly, there was a knock on the boarding house door. Opus walked over and opened it to find a grey rat behind.

"Hey, you idiots got a room for rent?" Rat asked "I need a place to work by myself and drink like Hemingway. Oh, also, I'm not paying you."

"This whole thing was a set-up for this gag, wasn't it?" Opus asked.

"Just like Donald Trump's presidency," Milo replied.


End file.
